Captioning made possible by New line home video
[squeaking]
[woman moaning]
Woman: my neck.
Yeah. Uhh...
Trips, come on.
Huh?
Oh, god. I'm sorry.
I slipped.
God.
Down, boy.
Ohh.
What am I Supposed to think?
Huh?
It's our last night Together Huh?
It's our last night Together
Before we head back
To our respective Colleges--
Our respective colleges, I might add,
That are A thousand miles apart.
Wyatt trips, we date All through high school
Without having sex. Wyatt trips, we date All through high school
Without having sex.
We spend our first Semester of college
Away from each other--
No sex.
We have a great Christmas vacation together. No sex.
We have a great Christmas vacation together.
Sexless.
That was also Sexless. Sexless.
That was also Sexless.
What made you think I was Suddenly going to decide
To cross that Hallowed threshold What made you think I was Suddenly going to decide
To cross that Hallowed threshold
In your mother's car?
I know. I--aah.
Sorry. I know. I--aah.
Sorry.
I forgot.
And when we do Finally have sex...
Oh.
[chuckles]
It's not going To be in a volvo, ok?
Why not?
It's a safe car. Why not?
It's a safe car.
I brought you here To give you something.
You did? Oh, god.
You're the best.
[unzips pants]
I love you. I love you so much. [unzips pants]
I love you. I love you so much.
Hey, pig, pig.
Remember I said I had one more Christmas gift coming?
Well...
Look at that. Ha ha!
That's great.
Open it.
There's more?
Oh, this is great.
It gets better. Put it on.
Here.
You're nuts.
It's magnetic, see?
Yes, it is.
I have one, too. Yes, it is.
I have one, too.
Mine's made out of steel.
[sighs]
So?
Do you get the significance? So?
Do you get the significance?
Do I?
No.
* for you are The magnet *
* and I am the steel *
Oh.
End of Sophomore year--
Spring dance At the gym.
You kept dancing With bry johnson. Spring dance At the gym.
You kept dancing With bry johnson.
Until you came up to me And said...
"I'd be remiss if I didn't at least try.
"If I could have One dance with you,
My life Would be complete."
Oh, my heart stopped.
We danced to this song,
And when I went home, We danced to this song,
And when I went home,
I looked up The word "Remiss."
That's when I knew I was in love. I looked up The word "Remiss."
That's when I knew I was in love.
I love you,
Kimberly jasney.
[sighs]
You are my life,
My love,
My whole world.
Come here.
* my secrets To reveal *
* for you are The magnet *
Trips. [knock on door]
Ow! Ow. Ow. Trips. [knock on door]
Ow! Ow. Ow.
Ooh. Ah.
Hold on. Ooh. Ah.
Hold on.
You're choking me.
Oh, my gosh.
Hello.
Trips.
[neon sign buzzes]
[car honks horn And speeds off]
[car crashes]
Trips: dear kimberly,
Tomorrow marks month 6 of Our 4-year sentence apart,
And while It's only college,
I don't see how prison Could be much worse.
Except, of course, for The gang raping and whatnot.
I hope your parents Have gotten over Except, of course, for The gang raping and whatnot.
I hope your parents Have gotten over
The whole parking lot Arrest thing at christmas.
I'm sure, in time, They'll come to realize The whole parking lot Arrest thing at christmas.
I'm sure, in time, They'll come to realize
The officer might have been A bit presumptuous
In insisting we were Engaged in s and m.
Some people Can be so damn rude.
I can't tell you How much I miss you.
Suffice it to say I think about you
At least 3 times a day. Suffice it to say I think about you
At least 3 times a day.
And with valentine's day Only 2 days away,
I'm sure that will Only increase.
Nothing new To report here.
The pursuit of knowledge Moves ever forward.
Woman: and furthermore,
I charge herman melville With plagiarism, Woman: and furthermore,
I charge herman melville With plagiarism,
Citing his Quote-unquote classic
Moby dick
As nothing more Than a blatant ripoff
Of steven spielberg's Jaws.
The end.
[applause]
Who has a comment On turran's paper?
Wyatt?
It was fine.
I think it was fine-- Sort of-- It was fine.
I think it was fine-- Sort of--
Although it lacked A certain touch of reality.
[chuckles] I didn't...
Yeah.
For me. I...
[moans]
What is that, like The third guy this week? [moans]
What is that, like The third guy this week?
Yep. That's just about Every man on campus
That's been in her room With the exception of us.
Raditch, how many times Do I have to tell you?
When you leave the room, You turn off the tv. Raditch, how many times Do I have to tell you?
When you leave the room, You turn off the tv.
Yo, look.
More killer beez Programming, guys.
...Has all the markings Of a killer beez attack. More killer beez Programming, guys.
...Has all the markings Of a killer beez attack.
Man, this guy's on More than m.A.S.H.
Kailin delaney's Mutilated corpse Man, this guy's on More than m.A.S.H.
Kailin delaney's Mutilated corpse
Was found outside Her parents' home...
This is, like, The ninth time this week. Was found outside Her parents' home...
This is, like, The ninth time this week.
Kailin was murdered As she returned
From a night class
At twin cities Junior college.
Her worried parents Found her... At twin cities Junior college.
Her worried parents Found her...
What are you Doing?
Shh! I'm listening for The sounds of physical love.
Hey.
[woman moaning]
Mmm. She's into it.
You know, a girl Goes away to school, Mmm. She's into it.
You know, a girl Goes away to school,
Triples her intake In the first semester.
Excellent choice Of words, man.
Kim's not like that.
Sure, she isn't.
[laughs] Sure, she isn't.
[laughs]
What the hell Are you insinuating?
Face it, man. Your chick's a whore.
Raditch: we'll be At the peeler bar Face it, man. Your chick's a whore.
Raditch: we'll be At the peeler bar
If you change your mind.
Hey, I'm going To kick your ass
If you don't Take that back. Hey, I'm going To kick your ass
If you don't Take that back.
All right, we won't be At the peeler bar.
What he said. All right, we won't be At the peeler bar.
What he said.
Peeler.
Wheels: peeler!
[couple making love]
[telephone ringing]
Woman: Have you ever done it?
[ring]
Ohh! [ring]
Ohh!
[telephone Rings]
What?
[bed next door Creaking]
Hi, is kimberly There?
No, I kicked her And the ricker out
For a couple of hours. No, I kicked her And the ricker out
For a couple of hours.
Her and the ricker?
Yeah. Can you blame me?
He made so much Friggin' noise last night-- Yeah. Can you blame me?
He made so much Friggin' noise last night--
No consideration For me whatsoever.
I mean, I am right there In the room with them.
She didn't have the decency To quiet him down.
Put a sock in this mouth Or something, you know?
What the hell Are you talking about?
This is wyatt, Kim's boyfriend.
Why the hell didn't you Identify yourself?
You never gave me A chance to.
You picked up and launched Into a phone sex spiel.
Who the hell Is the ricker?
I'll--I'll tell kim You called. Who the hell Is the ricker?
I'll--I'll tell kim You called.
[dial tone]
No!
[couple moaning]
Man: yes! Yes!
Woman: ohh! Man: yes! Yes!
Woman: ohh!
Ohh!
On my back, ricker.
[echoes] On my back, ricker.
All over my back.
No!
[echoes] no! No!
Sorry.
Guys! Guys!
Hey, hey, hey! Guys! Guys!
Hey, hey, hey!
She's cheating on me.
She's cheating on me With the ricker!
Shh! Will you shut up? She's cheating on me With the ricker!
Shh! Will you shut up?
You're going to get us Booted out of here.
Ground zero is Hot, hot, hot to present
The pouty pledge That makes the dean mean Ground zero is Hot, hot, hot to present
The pouty pledge That makes the dean mean
And the school drool--
Ivy von trapp! And the school drool--
Ivy von trapp!
* now I told you *
* so you ought to know *
* ooh, Ooh, ooh, ooh *
* it takes some time * * ooh, Ooh, ooh, ooh *
* it takes some time *
* for our feelings To grow *
I hate to say that I told you so, trips,
But I told you so.
We had our whole lives Planned out-- But I told you so.
We had our whole lives Planned out--
2.4 kids,
White picket fence, Maybe even a house.
You know, I just saw her At christmas.
Oh, awesome. They're Playing our song.
Trips, my friend,
There's only one remedy For the broken heart--
The dunk and quaff. First, you take the shot--
This one being 120 proof Grain alcohol.
You dunk it In your brew-ha-ha.
Once the dunking Takes place, You dunk it In your brew-ha-ha.
Once the dunking Takes place,
The quaffing.
Hey.
Uhh. Hey.
Uhh.
Uh...
Take it easy.
Ahh.
Hey, raditch, Raditch, raditch.
That chick right there,
She's in our great Nordic movement class. That chick right there,
She's in our great Nordic movement class.
No.
* can't be wrong *
Yes. [applause]
Yes, yes.
Snake, snake. It's the prof boffer. Yes, yes.
Snake, snake. It's the prof boffer.
Snake: my god, it is.
Wheels: when did she Start dancing here?
I got no idea, but I'm going to find out.
Hey, ivy!
Over here.
Raditch: Hello, doctor.
Snake: trips, it's the chick From psych class.
Raditch: oh. Snake: trips, it's the chick From psych class.
Raditch: oh.
Hurt me.
I can't believe I was bounced
By a guy called The ricker.
The ricker? The ricker.
Am I in Silver spoons, or... The ricker? The ricker.
Am I in Silver spoons, or...
Raditch: over here.
Show me that student loan.
Come on.
Ohh... Come on.
Ohh...
Magnet and steel...
My ass. Magnet and steel...
My ass.
Your friend Doesn't look so good.
Trips: no?
Well, how the hell Am I supposed to look?
My girlfriend's Cheating on me Well, how the hell Am I supposed to look?
My girlfriend's Cheating on me
With a guy called The ricker.
Snake: hey, hey! I got a buck.
Raditch: ouch.
Hey, ivy!
What are you doing After the show, huh?
Studying For my trig 2 test.
Yeah? Why don't you Study me instead?
Hey! Yeah? Why don't you Study me instead?
Hey!
All right, let go. The fun's over.
Feels like it's just Getting started to me.
Get your hands off her.
Ok? Show some respect.
She might be Some guy's girlfriend.
Well, well, well, gents. She might be Some guy's girlfriend.
Well, well, well, gents.
Looks like true love Is blooming
Between trips And the stripper. Looks like true love Is blooming
Between trips And the stripper.
Shut up, snake.
Stay out of this.
What do you say, ivy? Some play for 20 bucks?
Buys a lot of textbooks.
You dirtbag.
Is this what You wanted? Huh?
Does that feel good? Huh? Let go!
Get your hands Off of me! Does that feel good? Huh? Let go!
Get your hands Off of me!
Ow!
Raditch: Let me go!
Wheels: all right. Damn, damn.
All right. We're leaving. Wheels: all right. Damn, damn.
All right. We're leaving.
Raditch: are you ok? Are you all right?
Snake: ohh.
Oh, my god. There are Claw marks on his crotch.
Hey! Let go! Oh, my god. There are Claw marks on his crotch.
Hey! Let go!
And stay out!
We got a reputation To protect around here.
This is a dive anyway.
Trips: kim's A great diver.
She can do A double backflip,
And she can sing, too.
Like a bird, She can sing.
Are you all right?
Or are you going to sit Here and cry all night? Are you all right?
Or are you going to sit Here and cry all night?
No, I'm not all right.
She--we were going To get married. No, I'm not all right.
She--we were going To get married.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, my head.
Sorry about snake.
He's sort of an asshole.
Yeah, well, now He's sort of crippled.
Trips.
Ivy miller.
I thought the deejay said Ivy von trapp.
Von trapp Is my stage name.
I thought I'd go for that...
Catholic schoolgirl Slut thing.
Well, I'm sorry I got you fired.
It's ok. You stood up For me in there.
Thanks anyway, trips. It's ok. You stood up For me in there.
Thanks anyway, trips.
I got it. I got it.
All right, You got it.
I'm kind of too wired To go to sleep.
I was thinking about Getting some flapjacks.
You want to come With me? I was thinking about Getting some flapjacks.
You want to come With me?
Well...
I don't--nah.
You could sit here And moan. I don't--nah.
You could sit here And moan.
That would be fun.
Uh... That would be fun.
Uh...
Ok.
Yeah, sure.
All right. One condition--
Not a word about That ex-girlfriend.
No crying In your cocoa, ok?
I promise.
I swear. I promise.
I swear.
[crying]
And...
She really knows How to dress.
I mean, she is probably The best dressed person
I've ever met. I mean, she is probably The best dressed person
I've ever met.
She has the most Beautiful eyes.
[sighs]
Although someone else Is gazing into them now.
If the scenario is half As bad as you paint it, Although someone else Is gazing into them now.
If the scenario is half As bad as you paint it,
The only thing He's gazing into
Is the back of her head.
Thank you for that.
You know, boys like you Make me sick.
You're pathetic. You know, boys like you Make me sick.
You're pathetic.
Your darling kimberly Is fooling around
With some jock On the flannel sheets Your darling kimberly Is fooling around
With some jock On the flannel sheets
That her mom bought her To go to college,
And all you can do Is sit here and whimper. That her mom bought her To go to college,
And all you can do Is sit here and whimper.
She broke my heart.
So break her ego.
Crush her.
Huh? Crush her.
Huh?
Break up with her.
Cut it off Before she can.
Send her a "Dear Kimberly" letter. Cut it off Before she can.
Send her a "Dear Kimberly" letter.
But then we'd be Broken up.
Earth to trips. But then we'd be Broken up.
Earth to trips.
Are you going out With her now?
I thought she was Humping the dicker. Are you going out With her now?
I thought she was Humping the dicker.
It's the ricker.
Fine.
Think of the letter
As a first strike Nuclear attack.
Ok?
And you're going To finish it Ok?
And you're going To finish it
Before she does.
What--what do you mean, Save face?
Yeah. If you don't Have the girl,
Then at least You have your pride.
Oh, man.
That's great.
To the computer cluster.
[typing]
Man: ivy, you're going To owe me for this.
I could get In a lot of trouble.
Trips: Ok, how's this?
"Dear kim,
"I've fallen for another-- "Dear kim,
"I've fallen for another--
"One who warms me When all else seems cold,
"Who touches me On an emotional level
I never dreamed Existed." huh? "Who touches me On an emotional level
I never dreamed Existed." huh?
I'm sorry.
How long have you been Working for hallmark?
If you're trying To piss her off, How long have you been Working for hallmark?
If you're trying To piss her off,
You're not tapping The right keys.
What if I told her She wasn't very nurturing? You're not tapping The right keys.
What if I told her She wasn't very nurturing?
Try this.
Kim, you snotty Little pig. Try this.
Kim, you snotty Little pig.
I was delighted to learn Of your infidelity.
Your puritanical Attitudes towards sex
Were just childish And insecure.
Oh, insecure. Give me Something about her weight.
She's one of those 5'8", 100-pound girls
That always insists She's fat. She's one of those 5'8", 100-pound girls
That always insists She's fat.
[imitates] "I'm fat."
Ok.
My stomach turned
The last time We made out,
And your gut Flapped against me.
Those cellulite-packed Cactuses you call thighs And your gut Flapped against me.
Those cellulite-packed Cactuses you call thighs
With the razor-sharp Stubble called to mind
A fifth-rate Porno actress
That I once jerked off To during the tenure
Of our sorry marriage Of convenience.
Now I can finally Tell all my friends
How nauseating you are To mate with. Now I can finally Tell all my friends
How nauseating you are To mate with.
Rot in hell.
Trips.
This is great. Trips.
This is great.
God, I would love to see The look on her face
When she reads this baby. God, I would love to see The look on her face
When she reads this baby.
Ohh. Well, I'll print it up. Let's fax it.
No fax. Give me your wallet. Ohh. Well, I'll print it up. Let's fax it.
No fax. Give me your wallet.
You're going to charge me For this?
Just give me Your wallet.
Man: how'd you know That would be there?
Oh, baker.
Men live in hope And die in despair. Oh, baker.
Men live in hope And die in despair.
You're a smoker, Aren't you?
32 years.
All right, hock up Something really nasty
And deposit it in there.
Remind me never to get On your bad side. And deposit it in there.
Remind me never to get On your bad side.
That's a little Too gross.
Visuals just Make the point stronger.
Show and tell. Visuals just Make the point stronger.
Show and tell.
That's why we're not Going to fax it.
All right. P.S.
[baker Clearing throat] All right. P.S.
[baker Clearing throat]
Enclosed is a picture Of my latest conquest
And the remnants Of our recent tryst. Enclosed is a picture Of my latest conquest
And the remnants Of our recent tryst.
Choke on it.
Picture? What picture?
[baker spits]
Take off your shirt.
Do I have to?
If you're going to do This thing, do it right.
Keep one thing Straight--
This means nothing. Keep one thing Straight--
This means nothing.
What are you Talking about?
Keep your eyes on mine
And do not--I mean, Do not--look down.
[camera beeping] And do not--I mean, Do not--look down.
[camera beeping]
Hello! Hey.
Eyes on mine, Or I scream rape.
Why are you doing this?
Because I hate girls Like kim.
They take guys like you, Rip their hearts out,
And girls like me End up paying for it.
Let's not Make this personal. And girls like me End up paying for it.
Let's not Make this personal.
I'm not. Just shut up And smile.
Where are we going?
The post office Is back that way.
I think it's safe to say This is the type of message The post office Is back that way.
I think it's safe to say This is the type of message
That should be Delivered a.S.A.P.
Voila.
Trips: you're a genius.
An overnight Delivery service--
Delivery by 10 a.M. The next day. An overnight Delivery service--
Delivery by 10 a.M. The next day.
Is this a great country Or what?
It has its moments.
What are you doing?
Didn't you learn Anything?
Ivy: make her pay for it.
[people on Roller coaster scream]
[telephone rings] [people on Roller coaster scream]
[telephone rings]
[ring]
Machine: hi, this is Trips and raditch.
Leave a message.
[beep] Leave a message.
[beep]
Kim: trips, are you there? It's kim again.
I got back 5 minutes After you called. Kim: trips, are you there? It's kim again.
I got back 5 minutes After you called.
I was out Walking the ricker.
Is that what They call it these days? I was out Walking the ricker.
Is that what They call it these days?
Cindy went to visit Her boyfriend
For valentine's day,
So I get stuck dog-sitting Her dumb chihuahua.
Everyone's been bitching At me for the past 2 nights.
I can't wait Until she gets back.
Dog-sitting? I can't wait Until she gets back.
Dog-sitting?
Rick is a dog?
When you get in, will you Call me back, please?
I miss you, And I'm starting to worry.
Sweet christ, What have I done? I miss you, And I'm starting to worry.
Sweet christ, What have I done?
Ricker's a dog!
He's a dog!
The ricker's a dog!
Aah! The ricker's a dog!
Aah!
The ricker is a dog!
The ricker's a dog!
Ivy!
I'm coming. Ivy!
I'm coming.
What, what, what, What, what, what?
The ricker's a dog.
You've just now Figured this out?
No! You've just now Figured this out?
No!
He's a dog! He's a real dog!
Lassie, rin tin tin, C.H.O.M.P.S. He's a dog! He's a real dog!
Lassie, rin tin tin, C.H.O.M.P.S.
[barks]
That! The whole 9 yards. He's a dog.
Yikes.
I've just Blown my future,
And you offer me "Yikes"?
You're the one That wrote the letter
To miss perfect.
I was just there For encouragement.
It's your problem. I was just there For encouragement.
It's your problem.
No.
It's just your picture--
Naked--
And she's just learning
How to post things On the internet.
Global express.
"First pickup: 7:00."
It's 5 after. "First pickup: 7:00."
It's 5 after.
[horn honks]
Stop! Stop!
Wait! Wait!
You know, as bad As any situation gets,
There's always time To get dressed. You know, as bad As any situation gets,
There's always time To get dressed.
Hmm. I'll try To remember that.
I'll take the next person In line, please. Hmm. I'll try To remember that.
I'll take the next person In line, please.
I sent a package Overnight to memphis.
Then it'll be there At 10 a.M. Tomorrow. I sent a package Overnight to memphis.
Then it'll be there At 10 a.M. Tomorrow.
I need to stop it.
All right, then I just need to see
The shipping number On your receipt. All right, then I just need to see
The shipping number On your receipt.
Wow. If it isn't Siskel and ebert
Of american lit 101. Wow. If it isn't Siskel and ebert
Of american lit 101.
Hey, man.
Hey.
You work here. Hey.
You work here.
Yeah. Part-time.
Do you have a criticism For that, too?
Ha. No.
Um, but I do want To stop a package.
Shipping number?
I don't have my receipt.
2 thumbs down. Really unoriginal. I don't have my receipt.
2 thumbs down. Really unoriginal.
Next, please!
Look, I'm sorry about What I did in class
Or what I said.
I was just in A bad mood that day.
Yeah, well, I've been In a bad mood ever since.
Look, jerky, I bear some degree Of responsibility here.
Some degree?
And this guy isn't Gonna leave me alone Some degree?
And this guy isn't Gonna leave me alone
Until this whole thing Gets resolved.
So if it's a matter of money, I'm sure my friend here
Will be happy to make it Worth your while. So if it's a matter of money, I'm sure my friend here
Will be happy to make it Worth your while.
How much?
20 bucks. How much?
20 bucks.
Next in line, Please.
Wait. 40. Next in line, Please.
Wait. 40.
Give me a break.
60.
I'll take the next Person, please.
A hundred bucks. I'll take the next Person, please.
A hundred bucks.
Deal. Name of recipient?
Kim jasney.
To memphis. I've got it right here.
Great. Cancel That sucker.
Not so fast. What about The matter of my $100?
Don't look at me. I paid for the cab here.
I don't have it With me,
But I--I'll bring it To class tomorrow.
I--have that Out tomorrow...
Given that you don't Have your receipt
Or anything to grease The wheels of industry, Given that you don't Have your receipt
Or anything to grease The wheels of industry,
The only information
With which to cancel Your package sits here,
In our computer.
See that?
[gasps] It's gone.
How's that for a touch Of reality, buddy?
Now, you're all set.
First stop Is the airport.
My first solo run.
I'm girlishly flushed With excitement.
Yes, well, We've all felt that.
Ivy: where are you going?
Around back. Ivy: where are you going?
Around back.
Maybe one of the drivers Can help me out.
You're not wearing pants.
We're talking about guys Who make 10 bucks an hour.
I seriously doubt
They're as strict As that chick inside.
Hal, take it easy. It's a simple job. They're as strict As that chick inside.
Hal, take it easy. It's a simple job.
You pick up the packages, You drop off the packages.
Sometimes they're home,
Sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're home,
Sometimes they're not.
Sometimes it rains.
Godspeed, captain.
The airport awaits. Godspeed, captain.
The airport awaits.
Excuse me, sir. Are these Packages bound for memphis?
Well, yeah. Well, that's, Uh, privileged information. Excuse me, sir. Are these Packages bound for memphis?
Well, yeah. Well, that's, Uh, privileged information.
We don't allow civilians Back here.
I was wondering if I Could ask you a favor. We don't allow civilians Back here.
I was wondering if I Could ask you a favor.
I sent a package overnight To memphis this morning--
Well, rest assured, it will Get to its destination.
"Anyone, anywhere-- With time to spare."
Well, I'd like it not to.
In fact, I was kind of hoping Well, I'd like it not to.
In fact, I was kind of hoping
You'd let me Have it back.
Oh, I get it. This is a test.
You're a spy for the company. Quality control.
Well, sir, I'm sorry. I can't give you that package.
We have rules, And I follow them.
No, look, wait. I'm not testing you.
All right? I'm... I'm begging you. No, look, wait. I'm not testing you.
All right? I'm... I'm begging you.
If you want that package...
Go through The proper channels.
Short of that, we have Nothing to discuss.
Moving out.
Sir! Wait!
Sir! Please, sir!
Please!
Gah! Ohh.
Man on phone: Very sorry.
First class is all That is available. Man on phone: Very sorry.
First class is all That is available.
Well, if first class Is all you have.
This is great. You're Saving a marriage-to-be. Well, if first class Is all you have.
This is great. You're Saving a marriage-to-be.
I'm gonna name My firstborn after you.
What's your name?
My name is jugdish, sir.
Jugdish?
Yes. Jugdish?
Yes.
Well, jugdish trips It is, then.
Oh, you make me Very happy.
A special thing. You Must love her very much. Oh, you make me Very happy.
A special thing. You Must love her very much.
Yeah. No, she really Is one special girl.
I see. Yeah. No, she really Is one special girl.
I see.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Ok. All right. Bye.
I'm on the 9:15 to memphis.
I have 10 minutes to catch A cab to the airport.
You really love her, Don't you?
You're just beginning To catch on to that? You really love her, Don't you?
You're just beginning To catch on to that?
[laughing] What are these?
It's a long story. Look, I--I gotta go.
I'll drive you.
You will?
Yeah. I do have A heart occasionally.
You have a car?
No. I have a ricksha.
Well, yeah, ok, You have a car.
Uh... Well, yeah, ok, You have a car.
Uh...
Go.
[car stalling]
I'm so glad I didn't take a cab.
Watch it. I'm so glad I didn't take a cab.
Watch it.
[engine starts]
[backfire] [engine starts]
[backfire]
Whoo.
[backfire]
Trips: oh, man, I don't know If I'm going to make it.
Ivy: better run for it. Trips: oh, man, I don't know If I'm going to make it.
Ivy: better run for it.
I'll let you know what happened As soon as I get back, ok?
That's ok. Just don't expect me
To come to the wedding And catch the bouquet. That's ok. Just don't expect me
To come to the wedding And catch the bouquet.
Thanks, ivy. You're ok.
Ok! Thanks, ivy. You're ok.
Ok!
Ok.
Woman on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen,
In preparation For takeoff,
Please make sure that all Seat backs and tray tables In preparation For takeoff,
Please make sure that all Seat backs and tray tables
Are in their upright And locked position.
[busy signal] Are in their upright And locked position.
[busy signal]
All carry-on luggage
Should be stored In the overhead bins
Or beneath the seat In front of you. Should be stored In the overhead bins
Or beneath the seat In front of you.
I think those buttons Were designed
To be pressed With your fingertips.
Yeah, I know. Uh...
I'm just a little tense.
Well, I'm willing to listen If you're willing to tell.
What's on your mind?
Trips. Wyatt trips.
Pleased to meet you, Wyatt trips. Trips. Wyatt trips.
Pleased to meet you, Wyatt trips.
I'm beezly, j.D. Beezly.
So what's the problem?
Well, I...
I was just going To visit my girlfriend
At the university of memphis, So I thought I'd give her a call I was just going To visit my girlfriend
At the university of memphis, So I thought I'd give her a call
And see if she'd pick me up At the airport.
What's the little Lady's name, son?
Why haven't we Started taxiing yet? What's the little Lady's name, son?
Why haven't we Started taxiing yet?
Ah, women.
[sirens] Ah, women.
[sirens]
So delicate To the touch,
Yet so troubling To the heart.
Oh, I agree. Yet so troubling To the heart.
Oh, I agree.
Now, arlene--
That was my last Girlfriend's name.
She could never let up On the microwave door. That was my last Girlfriend's name.
She could never let up On the microwave door.
Her big beef was that I always opened the door
Before the buzzer Went off.
And she used to tell me That one day,
I was gonna get hit Right in the eye
With a stray microwave. I was gonna get hit Right in the eye
With a stray microwave.
So one day, I open the door,
Early, Like I usually do.
She reaches over,
And she slams The door shut.
Just like that.
Caught me totally By surprise. Just like that.
Caught me totally By surprise.
So you know what I did?
What?
I cut her head off, And I nuked it.
Excuse me?
Policeman: beezly, We know you're in there.
We've got the plane Surrounded. Policeman: beezly, We know you're in there.
We've got the plane Surrounded.
Come out with your hands In the air.
Now, why can't they use A man's first name,
Like gentlemen? Now, why can't they use A man's first name,
Like gentlemen?
I mean, is it so hard To say john dwayne?
John dwayne beezly? Killer beez?!
Oh, now, That I like even less.
Let's you and me take A little trip, trips.
Uh, you're taking me hostage? I have to see my--
Now, come on. Uh, you're taking me hostage? I have to see my--
Now, come on.
Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! Move!
Policeman: hold your cover! Hold your cover!
Beezly: anyone makes a move, I slice him ear to ear!
I have a bead On him, sir. Beezly: anyone makes a move, I slice him ear to ear!
I have a bead On him, sir.
Do not fire until The hostage is clear.
It's only an undergrad, Sir.
Nevertheless.
Beezly: truth is, I'm gonna cut you anyway.
Between you and me, I don't like you very much.
Why?
You were a little Condescending
On the plane back there.
Would an apology cover it?
Nope. It'd go a long way
Toward winning back My friendship, though. Nope. It'd go a long way
Toward winning back My friendship, though.
Bingo. Come on, wyatt. I'm out of here.
Glad we could have This time together.
It's too bad I have to kill you. Glad we could have This time together.
It's too bad I have to kill you.
No!
[tires screeching]
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
[horns honking]
Shit!
Trips?
Uhh!
Ivy!
Man: learn to drive, Idiot!
Lay wheels. I'm being Chased by killer beez!
Trips, it's way too cold For killer bees.
They need warm Climates to survive.
Move!
[horn honking] Move!
[horn honking]
Don't even.
Please?
You know, why don't you Just go to the airport Please?
You know, why don't you Just go to the airport
And explain to them What happened?
I'm sure they'd Rather give you And explain to them What happened?
I'm sure they'd Rather give you
Some first-class tickets Just to apologize.
Yeah, after the fbi Questions me for 9 hours Some first-class tickets Just to apologize.
Yeah, after the fbi Questions me for 9 hours
And kimberly Gets the letter.
I sympathize with you, Trips. I do.
Do you have any of Those snow puff things?
The pink ones?
But I got to go back To school.
I've got a paper due in My civil rudeness class.
I also have that small matter Of a job to attend to, I've got a paper due in My civil rudeness class.
I also have that small matter Of a job to attend to,
No thanks to you.
What difference is One day gonna make? No thanks to you.
What difference is One day gonna make?
Exactly. So why don't you just Get to memphis one day late?
Wait. Look.
I'm on my hands And knees begging. Wait. Look.
I'm on my hands And knees begging.
Help me, please.
Trips, not if there was a sign From god himself-- Help me, please.
Trips, not if there was a sign From god himself--
A burning bush or frogs Raining from the sky
Or locusts descending On us right now--
Would I chauffeur you To des moines, iowa.
How's that for a sign?
It's not exactly jesus Walking on water.
I give it a 6.
That's a 9.
Trips: Oh, my god, it's him.
Nut!
Ok, 8.5.
Oh, you pea-brained, Peckerwood road hog! Ok, 8.5.
Oh, you pea-brained, Peckerwood road hog!
I'm gonna talk to him.
No, no, no, no.
I got a plan.
I hope it's better Than your last one.
Have a snow puff, Smart guy.
Hubert h. Humphrey! This is unacceptable!
Can you believe The damage here? Ohh. Hubert h. Humphrey! This is unacceptable!
Can you believe The damage here? Ohh.
It looks like just A little scratch to me.
Oh, well, maybe to you,
But you're not On the front lines
Of global express. But you're not On the front lines
Of global express.
If it was up to me,
I'd take this baby in Right now for a repaint.
Thanks to that lunatic Beezly,
The airport's closed,
And we got to move Everything by land.
Can you believe this? And we got to move Everything by land.
Can you believe this?
Actually, Now that you mention it...
This is a catastrophe.
Oh, jeez! What am I gonna do?
Oh!
Nail polish. Oh!
Nail polish.
Nail polish. What?
Yeah. They sell it inside. Nail polish. What?
Yeah. They sell it inside.
Looks like, um, Midnight rendezvous.
Oh! Great idea! Yeah!
Yeah! Thank you!
All right, remember, Glossy, not matte.
Ok. Ha ha. Ok.
Psst! Come on!
Trips: what the hell Was that all about?
Shh! Can't you see I'm trying to work here? Trips: what the hell Was that all about?
Shh! Can't you see I'm trying to work here?
Oh, my god, What are you--
Breaking in With a bobby pin?
Way to go.
Get the love letter, Romeo. Way to go.
Get the love letter, Romeo.
You're a menace To society.
I'll keep a lookout.
Hey, miss, Let's move it.
We've got cars On the launch pad here!
Ok, all right.
That'll be 9.25.
Thanks.
Oh, my god, oh, my god.
Why do I always Get the fuzzy end
Of the lollipop stick?
Ivy: oh, no.
[door slides open]
[groans]
They have every darn color Except midnight rendezvous.
What's the world coming to?
A man can't even find A simple shade of nail polish. What's the world coming to?
A man can't even find A simple shade of nail polish.
Ooh! Ooh ooh!
Dang it! Ooh ooh! Ooh! Ooh ooh!
Dang it! Ooh ooh!
Ooh!
Ohh! Ooh!
Ohh!
Eee!
[singing An italian opera]
* have you had Yours today? * [singing An italian opera]
* have you had Yours today? *
* I had mine yesterday *
Ivy: what do I do? What do I do?
Think, ivy, think.
* have you had Yours today? *
* I had mine yesterday *
[singing An italian opera] * I had mine yesterday *
[singing An italian opera]
Ok.
Hey! [honks horn]
Stop! Hey! [honks horn]
Stop!
[singing]
Trips, you better Appreciate this.
[singing]
[singing high note]
Ha ha ha ha!
Hey!
Hi, cutie. I'm back. Hey!
Hi, cutie. I'm back.
Hey, you! Pull over!
I love a man in uniform.
All yours!
No, thanks. I--I got to drive.
Holy jeez!
Oh.
Whoo!
Whoa! Uhh!
What the-- Whoa! Uhh!
What the--
You! Wh--
Whoa!
Wait, no! Whoa!
Wait, no!
[one way or another By blondie playing]
Aah! Aah! [one way or another By blondie playing]
Aah! Aah!
Uhh! Uhh uhh!
Whoa!
Trips: no, stop!
[horn honks] Trips: no, stop!
[horn honks]
Aah!
Ivy, help!
Out of my way!
Trips: Excuse me, sir.
Blondie: * I'm gonna find ya * Trips: Excuse me, sir.
Blondie: * I'm gonna find ya *
* I'm gonna get ya, get ya, Get ya, get ya *
* one way or another * * I'm gonna get ya, get ya, Get ya, get ya *
* one way or another *
Stop! Please!
* I'm gonna get ya, get ya, Get ya, get ya * Stop! Please!
* I'm gonna get ya, get ya, Get ya, get ya *
* one day, Maybe next week *
* I'm gonna meet ya *
Ok, ok.
* I will * Ok, ok.
* I will *
Trips, jump!
Are you crazy?! No way! Trips, jump!
Are you crazy?! No way!
Trust me! Ok?
Don't you dare!
No!
Don't be a wuss!
All right!
* one way or another *
* I'm gonna find ya * * one way or another *
* I'm gonna find ya *
* I'm gonna get ya, get ya, Get ya, get ya *
I got it! Ivy, I got it!
You what?! I got it! Ivy, I got it!
You what?!
I got it!
Oh, no, you don't! Ha ha ha! I got it!
Oh, no, you don't! Ha ha ha!
[tires screeching]
Aah!
Ow!
Stop! Oh! Oh, no!
Not on my watch!
Ohh!
Whoa!
Ivy: trips!
Ow!
Come on!
Aah!
* one way or another * Aah!
* one way or another *
* I'm gonna lose ya *
* I'm gonna give you The slip * * I'm gonna lose ya *
* I'm gonna give you The slip *
* a slip of the lip-- Or another *
Oh, god!
* I'm gonna lose ya *
* I'm gonna trick ya, I'll trick ya * * I'm gonna lose ya *
* I'm gonna trick ya, I'll trick ya *
* one way or another *
* I'm gonna lose ya *
* I'm gonna trick ya, trick ya, Trick ya, trick ya *
* one way * * I'm gonna trick ya, trick ya, Trick ya, trick ya *
* one way *
Trips: stop!
* I'm gonna lose ya, I'm gonna give you the slip *
No way!
Yes! Yes!
Whoo!
Ahh.
Aah.
Trips!
Trips, are you ok?
Are you ok? Trips, are you ok?
Are you ok?
Is...
Is this heaven? Is...
Is this heaven?
You!
You. You!
You did this to me!
[scoffs] I was Helping you out. You did this to me!
[scoffs] I was Helping you out.
Helping me out? Look, lady,
If my wheelchair was Getting kicked off the side Helping me out? Look, lady,
If my wheelchair was Getting kicked off the side
Of the achille lauro,
And you were my only Chance at rescue,
I'd--it'd-- Get sea foam!
I'd opt for sea foam!
In my lungs!
I can do this on my own!
Because I'm a man, For christ's sake!
Not a bare-assed baby. Because I'm a man, For christ's sake!
Not a bare-assed baby.
Trips!
Get lost!
Trips!
Beat it!
Trips, get in the car.
But if I'm going to Chauffeur your cookies
To des moines so we Can catch that plane,
We have to leave now, All right?
Besides, the whole idea Is to keep your pants on
Until you see kimberly.
Then you can Take them off.
Come on, hop in the car.
Backseat makes a hell Of a changing room.
Sleeper: * justin, you *
* sparkle like a jewel *
* turn your face To another face *
* you started out with me At school *
* we move away *
* 'cause you're Coming through * * we move away *
* 'cause you're Coming through *
* is your skin like Some other skin? *
* or is it thin And navy blue? *
* oh, paint me *
* like somebody Painted you *
Don't--don't say a word.
Ok, according to the map, We just stay on 35 south.
It'll take us straight Into iowa.
Ivy: you're kidding? What happened?
Trips: we decided to wait Until we got married. Ivy: you're kidding? What happened?
Trips: we decided to wait Until we got married.
Oh, we decided, Or she decided?
She decided, but, you know, I supported the decision.
I believe in a degree Of celibacy.
A degree? Let me Get this straight.
I am driving you 250 miles
To stop a letter to a girl Who you intend to marry,
But who you've Never slept with?
Sex isn't everything.
Ok, but everything Else aside--
The magnet, the love letter, And the flowers...
Roses. A dozen red roses.
With baby's-breath? Roses. A dozen red roses.
With baby's-breath?
Oh, That's not predictable.
When are men Gonna understand
That a woman would Much rather have
A bunch of Handpicked daisies
Wrapped in a napkin, A bunch of Handpicked daisies
Wrapped in a napkin,
Rather than a dozen Commercial, generic roses
That they receive On every holiday?
Mother's day--roses. That they receive On every holiday?
Mother's day--roses.
It's your birthday-- Roses.
Valentine's day--hmm...
Roses.
Trips, reality check.
You're never gonna Have sex with this girl. Trips, reality check.
You're never gonna Have sex with this girl.
You don't know What you're talking about.
Yeah, I think I do. Let me tell you something.
A woman knows within the first 5 minutes of knowing a guy
Whether or not she wants To sleep with him or not. A woman knows within the first 5 minutes of knowing a guy
Whether or not she wants To sleep with him or not.
Oh, and I suppose this comes From your vast experience
With, uh, Mature relationships. Oh, and I suppose this comes From your vast experience
With, uh, Mature relationships.
What's that supposed To mean?
Nothing. Let it slide.
No. Are you talking about My professor harlan? Nothing. Let it slide.
No. Are you talking about My professor harlan?
Your sex life is none Of my business.
Exactly.
Even if I do think You're making a huge mistake. Exactly.
Even if I do think You're making a huge mistake.
Oh, really?
How, in your Whipped estimation,
Am I making A huge mistake? How, in your Whipped estimation,
Am I making A huge mistake?
These teacher-student affairs Always end in disaster.
But if you feel the need To slut around--
Slut around? But if you feel the need To slut around--
Slut around?
Oh, oh.
[tires screech] Oh, oh.
[tires screech]
Listen here, if I want To bag a professor
From one of my classes, I will,
But nobody-- And I do mean nobody--
Calls me a slut.
So the next time
You feel like casting Aspersions on my character,
Try remembering that This quote-unquote slut You feel like casting Aspersions on my character,
Try remembering that This quote-unquote slut
Is driving Your judgmental ass
All the way To des moines,
So a little decency Would be in order. All the way To des moines,
So a little decency Would be in order.
Got it?
Good.
Look, I'm, uh...
I'm not even threatening Your airline with a lawsuit. Look, I'm, uh...
I'm not even threatening Your airline with a lawsuit.
I'm not even asking For reimbursement.
I just want to get on That flight to memphis.
I know, because You're wyatt trips,
The young man that killer beez Took hostage this morning.
Well, if you know that, The young man that killer beez Took hostage this morning.
Well, if you know that,
Why are you giving me Such a hard time?
[whistles] Why are you giving me Such a hard time?
[whistles]
Come on, the flight Leaves in 5 minutes.
You are the 26th college kid I've had in here today
Making that same Claim to fame. You are the 26th college kid I've had in here today
Making that same Claim to fame.
I've been dealing with nothing But undergrads all morning,
Ever since the airline offered A free round-trip ticket
To wyatt trips as a reward. Ever since the airline offered A free round-trip ticket
To wyatt trips as a reward.
Now, unless you have Some positive I.D...
Madonna...
I've got paying customers To take care of.
But I am wyatt trips!
And...
Your flight just left.
Next.
[typing] Next.
[typing]
[slamming keys]
Man: hi. My name is wyatt trips.
[chuckles]
Oh, isn't that Just great? [chuckles]
Oh, isn't that Just great?
That's awesome! Oh, god!
Well, that was it. The last straw.
I don't know if you Saw it over there, Well, that was it. The last straw.
I don't know if you Saw it over there,
But, hey, check it out--bang! There goes my relationship.
Gone! See ya!
It's over! My relationship is over!
Look at me. I'm dressed like a girl.
What the hell Was that for?
There's another flight To memphis out of st. Louis What the hell Was that for?
There's another flight To memphis out of st. Louis
At midnight.
Oh. Awesome. St. Louis-- Only 400 miles away. Great!
How the hell am I supposed To get to st. Louis?
Rent a car?
With what, Shells and beads?
Are you enjoying Yourself?
Maybe I should Try it again.
Look, I'll give you $200
If you drive me To st. Louis.
No.
300. No! No.
300. No!
I'll let you Hit me again.
Mmm...No. I'll let you Hit me again.
Mmm...No.
Make it $400 For mental anguish,
And then maybe I'll do it.
All right. Jesus! Ok.
It's a deal, done.
But let's get 3 things Straight. It's a deal, done.
But let's get 3 things Straight.
One--I am not whipped.
2--you're not a slut. One--I am not whipped.
2--you're not a slut.
3--you may be cute When you're angry,
But you still hit Like a 9-year-old,
So give me the keys.
I'm driving. So give me the keys.
I'm driving.
I was wondering
When you were going To come to your senses.
I just didn't realize What I had next to me. When you were going To come to your senses.
I just didn't realize What I had next to me.
Right in the car.
Gimme a "T"! Gimme an "R"!
Gimme an I-p-s!
What's it spell? Trips!
Louder! Trips! What's it spell? Trips!
Louder! Trips!
Ivy, if you touch him, I will tear you to bits.
Aah! Aah!
Hey.
A bad dream?
Mmm, just one of Your regular nightmares.
You're stressing. Come on.
I'm gonna make A phone call.
Who are you Calling?
Trips, which one Of these is yours?
The one with the pig.
[snorting] The one with the pig.
[snorting]
Operator: Can I help you?
I'd like to make A credit card call.
No, a collect call.
To the university Of memphis.
Kimberly jasney.
Operator: jasmine?
Ready? Ok!
J-a-s-n-e-y.
Right.
Gimme a "K"! Right.
Gimme a "K"!
K! We got your "K"! We got your "K"!
Gimme an "I"! I! K! We got your "K"! We got your "K"!
Gimme an "I"! I!
Right. Would you Please--I'm on--
I'm wyatt trips. Right. Would you Please--I'm on--
I'm wyatt trips.
M! We got your "M"! We got your "M"!
What does that spell? M! We got your "M"! We got your "M"!
What does that spell?
Kim!
Shut up! Wyatt trips.
Come on, trips, where's Your school spirit?
Shut up! Yeah.
Extra! Extra!
Shh! Read all about it!
Kim can shake her pompoms, But she won't go at it!
Ivy, shut up!
Extra!
Oh, god, no! God, no! God! Extra!
Oh, god, no! God, no! God!
Extra!
Look at it this way. I just saved your ass again.
I mean, what were You going to say to her?
"Hon, there's a package Coming from me,
"And it's got A used condom in it
And a picture Of a naked girl?"
Besides, we got to get you to St. Louis to catch that plane.
I don't...
Come on. Let's Not dilly-dally. I don't...
Come on. Let's Not dilly-dally.
Ivy: I'll drive.
* hey *
* oh, yeah, baby *
* like a fool, I went And stayed too long *
* now I'm wondering if Your love's still strong *
* ooh, baby *
* here I am * * ooh, baby *
* here I am *
* signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours *
* mmm * * signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours *
* mmm *
* then that time I went and said good-bye *
* now I'm back And not ashamed to cry * * then that time I went and said good-bye *
* now I'm back And not ashamed to cry *
* ooh, baby *
* here I am *
* signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours *
* yeah * * signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours *
* yeah *
* here I am, baby *
* whoa *
* signed, sealed, Delivered, I'm yours *
* yeah *
* here I am, baby *
* signed, sealed, Delivered, I'm yours * * here I am, baby *
* signed, sealed, Delivered, I'm yours *
* hey *
* I've done a lot Of foolish things *
* that I really didn't mean *
* hey * * that I really didn't mean *
* hey *
* yeah, yeah, didn't I? *
* oh, baby *
* seen a lot of things In this old world *
* when I touched them, They did nothing, girl *
* ooh, baby *
* here I am *
* signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours *
* oh, I'm yours *
* ooh, babe, You set my soul on fire *
* that's why I know You're my only desire * * ooh, babe, You set my soul on fire *
* that's why I know You're my only desire *
* ooh, baby *
* here I am *
* signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours *
* hey * * signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours *
* hey *
* here I am, baby *
* whoa *
* you've got the future In your hand, baby *
* yeah * * you've got the future In your hand, baby *
* yeah *
* here I am, baby *
* signed, sealed, Delivered, I'm yours *
* you got the future In your hand, baby *
* yeah * * you got the future In your hand, baby *
* yeah *
* I've done a lot Of foolish things *
* that I really Didn't mean... *
Ivy: * and the people Always shout *
* there goes john jacob Jingleheimer schmidt * Ivy: * and the people Always shout *
* there goes john jacob Jingleheimer schmidt *
* tra la la la... *
No...
It's ok. No...
It's ok.
Ohh...
Are you ok?
I love you, kim.
[clunk]
Hey, what the shit?
I'm sorry. Were you sleeping?
Did the closed eyes and Peaceful demeanor tip you off?
Huh. Where are we?
You're allowed one Comment. Make it count.
You got off The main road.
This looked Like a shortcut. You got off The main road.
This looked Like a shortcut.
Jesus, ivy! What did I tell you?
Stay on 70! It'll take us Right into st. Louis! Jesus, ivy! What did I tell you?
Stay on 70! It'll take us Right into st. Louis!
Did I say that?
Did I forget To write that down? Did I say that?
Did I forget To write that down?
Give me the map. I'll get us back on track.
Fine. You figure It out, genius.
Why are people always Getting off the main road? Fine. You figure It out, genius.
Why are people always Getting off the main road?
There's nothing wrong With a little exploration.
Maybe you ought To try it sometime.
Oh, now I get it.
Get what? Oh, now I get it.
Get what?
Taking this scenic tour, "Try a little exploration."
What are you Going on about now?
You want me to miss That package.
Excuse me? You want me to miss That package.
Excuse me?
I'm flattered, ivy. Really. I really am.
Are you kidding? I'm flattered, ivy. Really. I really am.
Are you kidding?
Tell me you wouldn't like To see me and kim break up.
Wyatt trips, You are so deluded
It's not Even feasible.
Oh ho, I don't think so. It's not Even feasible.
Oh ho, I don't think so.
Well, I know so, and you Better say you're wrong
Before I have to throw You out of the car. Well, I know so, and you Better say you're wrong
Before I have to throw You out of the car.
Oh, see, I don't Think you will.
Oh, yeah? Why not?
Because you're secretly In love with me.
You're so used to getting Screwed by guys your own age Because you're secretly In love with me.
You're so used to getting Screwed by guys your own age
That you feel the need to hide Behind some old man professor.
Then I come along, and you Develop this major crush.
It's ok, ivy. I'm just Saying it's not gonna happen. Then I come along, and you Develop this major crush.
It's ok, ivy. I'm just Saying it's not gonna happen.
I love kim and...
Oh!
Shit! Oh!
Shit!
[tires squealing]
Aah!
Aah...
[coughing]
Oh, you--you're crazy!
Whoa!
Trips!
Oh, my god.
Pull me in! Pull me in!
Don't look down.
I won't! Pull me in!
Oh, ivy!
Pull me in! Pull me in!
Not so fast. What about This crush theory of yours? Pull me in! Pull me in!
Not so fast. What about This crush theory of yours?
What about it?
What? It's bullshit.
It's malarkey, Your crush theory.
You got it backwards, right? It's malarkey, Your crush theory.
You got it backwards, right?
Of course it's malarkey. Pull me in.
Say it.
Ivy!
Say it. "It's not you That loves me,
It's I that loves you, Ivy miller."
I'm slipping. It's I that loves you, Ivy miller."
I'm slipping.
I'm slipping!
All the more reason To say it fast. I'm slipping!
All the more reason To say it fast.
It's not you That loves me,
It's I that loves you, Ivy miller.
Mmm, a little bit slower, Please.
Unh! I love you--
Aah! Unh! I love you--
Aah!
[thud]
Why, trips, I had no idea.
Ow!
There's nothing like A brush with death
To bring out a little Honesty in a man.
Honey, are you Coming to bed now?
Unh!
You're--you're--
Adorable?
An asshole.
An adorable asshole? An asshole.
An adorable asshole?
A stupid little Good-for-nothing stripper.
Screw you!
Aah!
Wyatt, here!
[wailing]
* bad vibes, everybody *
* yeah, bad vibes, Everyone *
* bad vibes, My brothers and sisters *
* yeah, Bad vibes, everyone *
* I know it's wrong to... *
Trips: I'll have, uh... * I know it's wrong to... *
Trips: I'll have, uh...
You know, I'll, uh...
I'll have...
I'll have some celery... I'll have...
I'll have some celery...
And, uh, some toast.
And some water. Just some water.
* bad vibes, everybody *
* yeah, Bad vibes, everyone *
* bad vibes, My brothers and sisters *
* yeah, bad vibes, Everyone *
The lady at that table Is wondering * yeah, bad vibes, Everyone *
The lady at that table Is wondering
If you'd care To join her.
I can have your "Meal" Delivered there. If you'd care To join her.
I can have your "Meal" Delivered there.
I'm sorry about what I said back there.
And your car.
It's in the past.
Let's just leave it there.
So, you want To hear my new plan?
For what?
For getting us To the airport. For what?
For getting us To the airport.
We still have About 3 1/2 hours
Till our flights. We still have About 3 1/2 hours
Till our flights.
Our flights? How?
What about money?
I'm going to call harlan What about money?
I'm going to call harlan
And have him put 2 tickets On his credit card.
One for you to memphis and One for me back to school.
Is he going To be pissed?
Us traipsing all over The world like this? Is he going To be pissed?
Us traipsing all over The world like this?
It's not that kind Of relationship.
Yeah, he's Probably mature.
Reads books and sees Foreign films.
Stuff us undergrads Have zero interest in.
I know, trips. You're the exception.
No, really, You're a good guy.
Completely faithful.
Not some mad Little dog in heat.
I can't figure this out. Why are you helping me
Drive halfway across The country to see some girl
Who represents Everything you hate? Drive halfway across The country to see some girl
Who represents Everything you hate?
Well...
I guess...
You know, I really haven't Known you that long,
But I'm starting To feel like--
I mean, you know, you're Saving my marriage. But I'm starting To feel like--
I mean, you know, you're Saving my marriage.
Yeah, I, um...
What I was gonna say was...
Maybe back there in the car You were right.
Maybe I do hide behind harlan Because it's safe...
And I'm afraid.
But you know what?
You're doing The exact same thing.
Just gonna go To the bathroom.
Nice.
So, have you Eaten your fill?
Yeah, I've had plenty. Thanks for springing for it. So, have you Eaten your fill?
Yeah, I've had plenty. Thanks for springing for it.
Waiter!
Ma'am?
Hi. See that man there In the blue hat? Ma'am?
Hi. See that man there In the blue hat?
[southern accent] he used To be our trig teacher,
And it's his birthday, and We wanted to surprise him,
So if you could bring him A little cake with a candle
So we could sing him Happy birthday?
We'd really appreciate it.
What if I round up the staff, And we help you sing?
That's a great idea.
Why didn't I Think of that, hon? That's a great idea.
Why didn't I Think of that, hon?
That's a great idea. Thank you so much.
I'm on it. That's a great idea. Thank you so much.
I'm on it.
All right. I'm going To the ladies' room.
When they start singing, You get up and do the same.
Climb out the window, and I'll be waiting for you. When they start singing, You get up and do the same.
Climb out the window, and I'll be waiting for you.
Get ready to run.
[fiddle plays]
Staff: * on tonight of all nights * [fiddle plays]
Staff: * on tonight of all nights *
* there's A special man here *
* and we'd all like To sing him a song * * there's A special man here *
* and we'd all like To sing him a song *
* happy birthday, Happy birthday *
* happy birthday to you, Friend * * happy birthday, Happy birthday *
* happy birthday to you, Friend *
[faint singing]
Dining and ditching? That's your great plan?
Oh, calm down. We got to eat, didn't we?
And we're getting away Scot-free. Oh, calm down. We got to eat, didn't we?
And we're getting away Scot-free.
[siren]
You are under arrest. [siren]
You are under arrest.
Put your hands up Where I can see 'em.
You know what you are?
An incubus.
A hell-spawned incubus.
Only a man Can be an incubus.
If I'm anything, I'm a succubus. Only a man Can be an incubus.
If I'm anything, I'm a succubus.
Yeah, you got The "Suck" part right.
[sniffs]
I promise you, This ink'll come right off.
It's not that.
I just kind of feel Like an asshole.
Ah.
Have you told him?
He's convinced I'm an asshole.
[chuckles] Not that. He's convinced I'm an asshole.
[chuckles] Not that.
Have you told him That you love him?
Me love that guy?
I'm just driving him To memphis
So he can see His dumb girlfriend. I'm just driving him To memphis
So he can see His dumb girlfriend.
Ah.
So...You haven't told him. Ah.
So...You haven't told him.
[ivy sniffs]
He's in love With somebody else.
I don't know about that. He's in love With somebody else.
I don't know about that.
You see when He looks at you?
His lip, it quivers.
It does not.
It does, too.
I saw it.
Just like that. Quivering lip.
So what?
Behavioral patterns. So what?
Behavioral patterns.
Trust me. I know.
I am a professional. Trust me. I know.
I am a professional.
Trips, miller...
You just made bail.
So I guess that girl Must love you a lot
To bail you and another Woman out of jail. So I guess that girl Must love you a lot
To bail you and another Woman out of jail.
How'd you Explain it to her?
I didn't call kimberly.
Then who bailed us out? I didn't call kimberly.
Then who bailed us out?
My roommate raditch Says hi.
He had some room Left on his credit card.
You know, for the first time In 24 hours, it's quiet?
No hanging off Of moving trucks,
No bickering, No hostage situations.
I must say, I'm glad We got arrested.
The idea that we could have Stopped that package
Before it reached Its destination was just--
Within our grasp.
Not really. Except that one time.
Oh, my god.
You ever have One of those days?
Well, I'm having One of those days.
I think the world doesn't know Jell-o from johnny cakes.
You know, sherman-- William tecumseh sherman--
He said, "War is hell." You know, sherman-- William tecumseh sherman--
He said, "War is hell."
I don't believe it.
He is one dedicated Professional.
It started out fine. It started out good. He is one dedicated Professional.
It started out fine. It started out good.
Sunny, ready to go, smiling, First day.
Now I feel like I've been Pulled through a knothole. Sunny, ready to go, smiling, First day.
Now I feel like I've been Pulled through a knothole.
We need to figure out Some kind of distraction.
Like what?
Well...Oh, thank you.
Miss?
This is cold.
There's steam rising Off the plate.
It's cold steam.
[sucking noises]
I don't believe you.
If he can't drive the van, Packages don't go anywhere. I don't believe you.
If he can't drive the van, Packages don't go anywhere.
All he has to do Is radio to another van
To pick up his stuff, Or simpler, get more gas.
But that'll Buy us time.
Hurry up. But that'll Buy us time.
Hurry up.
[bubbling]
[coughing]
Eww. [coughing]
Eww.
Ugh!
[gagging and coughing]
Knock knock!
Excuse me, if you think I am eating cold eggs,
You are sadly mistaken. Excuse me, if you think I am eating cold eggs,
You are sadly mistaken.
Yo no comprendo.
Oh, yo no comprendo.
Well, comprendo this.
Hot eggs!
Get in there And try again!
And one more thing--
This may be your personal Means of self-destruction,
But it won't be mine.
Cabrã³n.
What did you say About my mother?
This is gonna Take all day.
Oh...
I don't know what he was saying, But I didn't like it.
Oh, jeez.
Uh, trips?
What? He's coming?
Something's coming. A cop? What? He's coming?
Something's coming. A cop?
You could say The heat, yeah.
Oh, god!
Oh!
Unh! Oh!
Unh!
Oh, hubert h. Humphrey! Oh!
[coughing]
Are you ok?
At least he can't Deliver your package.
They're not getting Away with this. Nope.
As god is my witness, You will not stop this package!
Not on my watch!
No!
No! No!
No! No! No!
[rock music playing]
Da--da--dang!
We tried, ok?
I'm gonna get That son of a bitch
If it's The last thing I do!
Oh, god! Look at him!
[burps]
Lookit, he's drunk. Yeah, you little drunko. [burps]
Lookit, he's drunk. Yeah, you little drunko.
No! Come on!
What? No!
Come on!
I'm not stealing A car.
We're doing the guy a favor. Look at it this way. I'm not stealing A car.
We're doing the guy a favor. Look at it this way.
We're civic heroes. Keeping A drunk off the streets.
Get in the damn truck. We're civic heroes. Keeping A drunk off the streets.
Get in the damn truck.
Hey! Hey, that's my truck!
Hey, you dirty son of a...
Trips: It's gonna take a few hours
Before they figure out What happened back there. Trips: It's gonna take a few hours
Before they figure out What happened back there.
And even if they move The package to another truck,
We still got a few hours Jump on them, And even if they move The package to another truck,
We still got a few hours Jump on them,
And I can be waiting at The door when they show up.
You know, women go crazy for That kind of obsessive rage.
You show up at kimberly's door Seething like that...
With your james dean Sexual heat...
I guarantee she'll give it up To you right there
On the spot. I guarantee she'll give it up To you right there
On the spot.
I'm having a hard time staying On my side of the truck.
Yeah, I thought That would make you laugh.
Can you do me a favor and Stop up ahead and drop me off?
I'm gonna catch a ride Back to minnesota.
Come on. Wouldn't you Like to see memphis?
Not with you.
Why not with me?
You just don't Get it, trips.
You just Don't get it at all. You just don't Get it, trips.
You just Don't get it at all.
So we made it.
Yeah, we made it.
Somehow I imagined it to be A little more dramatic.
Ha ha!
We won!
We beat it!
We beat the odds, baby!
Ha ha ha!
We beat the package! We beat that psychotic! Ha ha ha!
We beat the package! We beat that psychotic!
Thank you, sir!
Yo!
Ivy: that's great. That's great.
That's really great, Trips, but I gotta go.
Ok?
No! You gotta come up and Join me in the triumph! Ok?
No! You gotta come up and Join me in the triumph!
Why don't you call A little more attention
To the stolen vehicle By dancing on it? Why don't you call A little more attention
To the stolen vehicle By dancing on it?
I know. I'm being stupid,
But, oh, we have been Through scrape after scrape,
And you've been With me the whole time. But, oh, we have been Through scrape after scrape,
And you've been With me the whole time.
Thank you.
Some of them Have been humiliating, Thank you.
Some of them Have been humiliating,
Some have been Life-endangering,
And I had An amazing time. Some have been Life-endangering,
And I had An amazing time.
Good.
I'm really happy For you, trips,
But I'm gonna go now, ok?
Wait, ivy, Don't be like that.
Like what? Wait, ivy, Don't be like that.
Like what?
Like that.
Look, I'm sorry it has To end like this.
I am. I mean, This thing we... Look, I'm sorry it has To end like this.
I am. I mean, This thing we...
We're here. We've achieved--
I made kim a promise, and I have to stand by that.
I gave her my word, And you said yourself
I'm a good guy. I gave her my word, And you said yourself
I'm a good guy.
I'd do almost anything
To stop somebody From being hurt...
I know, trips.
Trips, look.
Uh...
Go.
Oh, no!
Oh, god!
Uh...
Go.
[giggles]
Oh! [giggles]
Oh!
Thanks.
Hey...
Nothing for you yet?
No, and if he Doesn't come through, Nothing for you yet?
No, and if he Doesn't come through,
He's cut off for life.
Good luck.
Thanks.
Hi.
[sighs]
Come on! Come on!
[ding]
No!
No! You're Not going anywhere!
No! No!
No! No! No! No! No!
No! No! No!
You're not him.
[whimpers]
Oh, god, I'm sorry.
Uh--uh--here.
I'm sorry. These--are mine! Uh--uh--here.
I'm sorry. These--are mine!
"Yours eternally, wyatt."
I sent these!
Oh, god, you've got To deliver them! Get up!
Here! Go, man, go! Run like the wind! Oh, god, you've got To deliver them! Get up!
Here! Go, man, go! Run like the wind!
Wait! Wait a minute!
Deliver my roses!
Aah!
No!
You again!
Ah...
Ha ha ha ha!
Oh, hi. Package for Miss kimberly jasney.
That's me.
Ahh...
Girl: do it!
Boy: swing over!
[beeping]
Please, god, I swear I'll never send anything
Overnight delivery again.
[screaming]
That'll be 26.75.
Aah!
Unh! Oh! Aah!
Unh! Oh!
Trips?!
[groaning]
Hey, babe.
Kim: no!
I was just doing my job.
Who was that?
And why did he try To strangle you
After you came crashing Through my window? And why did he try To strangle you
After you came crashing Through my window?
Wait. Why did you come Crashing through my--
Oh, my god, trips.
You never kissed me Like that before.
You stole my breath.
It's amazing.
It's arousing.
Over. It's--
I beg your pardon?
Kim, I love you.
I always have. Kim, I love you.
I always have.
I always will On some level, but...
I don't want to go out With you anymore.
[laughs]
You're breaking up With me?
I didn't mean this. You're breaking up With me?
I didn't mean this.
This is a spur Of the moment thing.
What the hell are You talking about?
I think I fell in love With somebody else.
You...You are An insane asshole.
Ok, you come All the way down here,
You crash through My window,
And you pick a fight With some poor delivery man
Just to break up with me? And you pick a fight With some poor delivery man
Just to break up with me?
How dare you!
I'm sorry. How dare you!
I'm sorry.
Unh!
Hey, watch where You're going next time.
Let me guess... The ricker.
Yeah? So?
Thank you.
You changed my life. Thank you.
You changed my life.
What?! Kim?
You know, maybe I was wrong to interfere
With the duties of A global express officer.
With time to spare!
Oh ho ho ho!
Oh, life is good! Ha!
Excuse me?
Um...
I'm taking This little trip,
And I was wondering maybe You wanted to go with me.
I'm going to minnesota.
See... I'm going to minnesota.
See...
There's this girl there And, uh...
I really...
Really like her.
Oh...
Ivy miller, will you Be my valentine?
You know, it's funny--
I thought You had a girlfriend.
What? I thought You had a girlfriend.
What?
No.
No?
No. Uh-uh.
Oh, no....
I was actually Killing time.
Killing time?
I was killing time Till I met you. Killing time?
I was killing time Till I met you.
Wow, I never thought I'd Fall for a line like that.
I know. Forgive me.
So how do we Get back? I know. Forgive me.
So how do we Get back?
What do you mean get back? We're not getting back.
What do you mean?
We're gonna go To new orleans.
New orleans?
Yeah. I was thinking Actually europe next. New orleans?
Yeah. I was thinking Actually europe next.
Europe?
Kim: cellulite-packed Cactuses I call thighs?!
I am not fat!
Wyatt!
* ooh * Wyatt!
* ooh *
* ooh, ah *
* now I told you, So you ought to know *
* ooh * * now I told you, So you ought to know *
* ooh *
* takes some time For our feelings to grow *
* ooh *
* but you're so close now, I can't let you go *
* ooh * * but you're so close now, I can't let you go *
* ooh *
* and I can't let go *
* with you, I'm not shy *
* to show the way I feel *
* with you, I might try * * to show the way I feel *
* with you, I might try *
* my secrets to reveal *
* for you are a magnet * * my secrets to reveal *
* for you are a magnet *
* and I am steel *
* I can't hope that I'll hold you for long *
* ooh *
* you're a woman Who's lost in her song *
* ooh * * you're a woman Who's lost in her song *
* ooh *
* but the love That I feel is so strong *
* ooh *
* it can't be wrong * * ooh *
* it can't be wrong *
* with you, I'm not shy *
* to show the way I feel *
* with you, I might try *
* my secrets to reveal * * with you, I might try *
* my secrets to reveal *
* for you are a magnet *
* and I am steel * * for you are a magnet *
* and I am steel *
* ooh *
* with you, I'm not shy *
* to show the way I feel *
* with you, I might try *
* secrets to reveal * * with you, I might try *
* secrets to reveal *
* for you are a magnet *
* and I am steel *
* ooh *
* with you, I'm not shy *
* to show the way I feel *
* with you, I might try * * to show the way I feel *
* with you, I might try *
* secrets to reveal *
* for you are a magnet *
* and I am steel *
* you are a magnet *
* and I am steel * * you are a magnet *
* and I am steel *
* you are a magnet *
* and I am steel * * you are a magnet *
* and I am steel *
* you are a magnet *
* and I am steel *
Captioning made possible by New line home video * and I am steel *
Captioning made possible by New line home video
Captioning performed by The national captioning Institute, inc.
Public performance of captions Prohibited without permission of National captioning institute